by Andreas Trolf
I'm guessing that all or most of you have at some point found yourselves in an aeroplane. I'm also guessing that you all have various strategies for dealing with the interminable wait of sitting there, surrounded by strangers, wanting only to land already and get on with your life. My personal strategies include (but are not limited to) reading, sleeping, listening to music, and drinking (well, actually, that's all of them). But have you guys ever actually looked through the seat pocket located conveniently in front of you? Aside from their own in-flight magazines, most aeroplanes also offer you a wealth of catalogue-shopping options from the comfort of your seat. They do this through the miracle of SkyMall!
So if you've never taken the time to flip through this masterpiece of understated charm, let me be your guide as we sample a few of the classier items that America Can Simply Not Live Without (or Could Live Without But Why Would America Want To?).
Feel free to unbuckle your seatbelts, lower your seatback tray-tables, and fight tooth and nail with the person next to you for control of the armrest. God, I fucking hate flying.
These are virtual reality goggles that "hip" business types are supposed to use to work on the Excel spreadsheets. This is the first of many products that fall into a category I like to call Are You Fucking Kidding Me?... Actually, all of the following products fall into this category as well.
Take a good solid look at this rocket surgeon. He's making that amazed look, as if he's just been transported magically into the future of business. Correction: the future of AWESOME!
This reminds me of those Bluetooth headsets that people are so fond of wearing. My question to them is "Why?" What is the point of wearing those things aside from proving to people on the street that you totally have $70 to waste on a piece of utterly useless technocrap? How quickly do you need to answer the phone? I hate people that wear them constantly, as if they're conducting brain surgery and simply must have the convenience of hands-free talking. Fuck, I pretty much hate just about everything. Sorry if I'm bringing you guys down with me on my negative trip. Go ahead and stop reading right now if you're not into it. I won't be upset. Seriously, though, virtual reality goggles? Did the movie Lawnmower Man not teach us anything? The lesson was, if I remember correctly: Never try to teach retards anything, because they'll only turn into super-human demigods bent on our complete destruction.
"HOLY FUCK! GARY'S GONNA SHIT HIS PANTS WHEN HIS PUTT GOES WIDE."
Yep, a remote control golf ball. I can't tell if this is meant to help you cheat your way to a lower score on the fairway or whether it's one of those novelty items that lets you play a hilarious prank on a golfing buddy. I wonder what must go through someone's brain right as they're deciding to buy this. "Holy fuck! Gary is going to shit his goddamned pants when his putt goes wide! I am going to be the absolute king of practical jokes at regional headquarters! Booyah!" I get so depressed when I think about this.
"A hand-painted bas-relief work of contemporary art?" Can you imagine the type of household that has this masterpiece on its walls? Wait, "wall frieze by artist Jaimy?" I Googled Jaimy and was blown away. Seriously. Check him out. Dude looks like a gay Pol Pot. I should probably stop now before this devolves into an ugly personal attack. I'm simply amazed that this type of industry exists that caters specifically to providing these types of eyesores so they can be displayed in dens throughout suburbia. See? I'm pretty negative.
But fuck, I just would love to fight Jaimy to the death. Can you picture the steel-cage match? A dark, smoky arena packed to capacity in some anonymous Asian metropolis. I'm the underdog, much like Jean-Claude Van Damme. My girlfriend, in her business-casual power suit and crimped hair is seated near the edge of the ring, fearfully clutching the hands of my wizened trainer, Lugash, who has taught me the secretive and deadly arts of hand-to-hand combat since childhood. I imagine that Jaimy would make some sort of high-pitched primal scream as he charged into the center of the ring, intent on fatally biting me. I can see him now, his face contorted into a visceral mask that is an equal mixture of bloodlust and fear and adrenaline. He probably fights like those Muy Thai guys who are all five feet tall and totally deadly. I may want to rethink the fight to the death.
At home chiropractic! Finally, a way to align those pesky cervical vertebrae without the hassle of professional training or assistance!
This looks much more like a device for engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation, though. Not that I've ever dabbled in that sort of thing. I like dude's pleated chinos; ideal for casual Fridays and Sunday barbecuing. SkyMall is sure to have a number of novelty aprons that say things like "Kiss The Kook!" on them. Moving on:
I know some of these photos are blurry, but please bear with me for the sake of hilariousness. Here we have some of the newest and sleekest fitness devices on the market today. These are going to revolutionize the at-home fitness industry, because honestly, eating healthy and, I don't know, jogging (?) are simply not cutting it anymore. In this crazy, workaday world you have got to have a fitness regimen (I hate it when people say "fitness REGIME") that is as extreme as you are! So why not fitness at-home horseback riding and/or surfing? Imagine making friends with someone and then visiting their home for the first time and taking the guided tour. "And here is where I do my iGalloping!"
And then you leave without explanation, leaving your new friend to wonder where he/she went wrong. Sorry if I'm being smug, but come the fuck on...iGallop?
Because why the fuck would you possibly want to go outside?
Because why the fuck would your cat possibly want to go outside?
TAILGATE IN TODDLER WEAR
I look at these two dudes and instantly know what it's like to want to beat someone to death. Look at their expressions of pure, unbridled sloth as they tailgate away yet another Sunday (or do people tailgate on Mondays? I just don't know). Another thing, why do full-grown adults like this insist on dressing like toddlers?
Seth has got to have his Oakleys! Can you imagine spending perfectly good money on truck hammocks? Just think of the effort it would take these two to get into and out of these complicated rigs. What do you do when it's time to flip the burgers or restock the dorm fridge? You get tangled up in this ridiculous web of nonsense and starve to death and no one finds you for almost a week, when the smell becomes overpowering and the mail starts to pile up.
Did you hear about the guy who hanged himself at Burning Man? Apparently no one realized that he was actually dead for a few days, thinking instead that he was performing some type of avant-garde art. I wonder though, did he go to Burning Man with the intention of committing suicide or did he decide to do it once he was already there? I don't know which possibility is more depressing. Spending a couple hundred bucks just to make some sort of grand statement with your suicide, or going to Burning Man and realizing that you've actually paid perfectly good money to go and hang out in the desert for a week with other performance art Burning Man enthusiasts and then having no choice but to end it all right there? You decide. Speaking of Burning Man, though, how awesome is the dude who lit the burning man sculpture on fire early? Possibly the best prank of all time.
Why not let these little dudes in on the fun, too? Wetsuits for the backyard pool! Fuck it!
$16,000 DOLLAR FUCK IT CART
Yep, a $16,000 novelty golf cart, designed by Boyd Coddington. That's right! Boyd Motherfucking Coddington! And yet millions of people go to sleep hungry every night. Nearly a fifth of this planet does not have adequate access to drinking water. A billion religious fundamentalists want to wipe from the face of the Earth another billion religious fundamentalists. Private American companies are funneling arms to terrorist groups. Government-sponsored terror campaigns are waged in order to indoctrinate a fear-beguiled (redundancy totally intended) populace. Infants die for want of twenty cents worth of antibiotics. But why worry about any of that as long as you're cruising the links in style in your awesome golf cart?
Why not let this little dude in on the luxurious action as well? A wise man once said, "If you can't get up there, you probably shouldn't be up there." Truer words were never spoke. Little dogs irritate the shit out of me. Can we not take these little shits and send them to starving people? I know it's a gross solution, but no one ever takes forced sterilization seriously.
Overpopulation is a serious issue, folks. One day we'll be forced to put it on the table. The Pope will have to rescind the Catholic ban on birth control. Keep on pulling out, gentlemen! I'm sorry that this is turning into a soapbox for my political leanings, but I take my forums where I can get them. Luxury bums me out, and not only because I can't afford this stuff. Needless extravagances make the rest of the world hate America. It's not our freedom that they hate, but rather our freedom to buy this useless crap while others starve.
Pet travel set. You guys should read Thorstein Veblen's book on conspicuous consumption. Travel, it has been noted, is the truest form of conspicuous consumption. And when house pets get in on it as well, something is truly, horribly wrong with us. If anyone feels like talking about it, just e-mail me. I like to justify my student loans by using big words sometimes.
While we're at it, why not get some tasteful sculpture for the backyard?
Or the den? Can you imagine the sheer, knee-jerk patriotism necessary to want to own this? And from patriotism it's only a small step towards nationalism and xenophobia. Don't get me started, okay? I have really interesting opinions on Zionism and survivalism and gun control. Those would probably bum you guys out, too. Best not to ask.
Now we're back to something we can all appreciate: shitty bands! Aerosmith used to be so good, though. Remember their salad days? Back in, what, 1978? Come the fuck on, guys, bow out gracefully. You're almost as bad as the Rolling Stones. Who the hell wants to see a 65 year-old Mick Jagger gyrating up on stage whining on and on about not being able to get no satisfaction? Likewise for an almost-mummified Steven Tyler pouting about how his get-up-and-go must've got up and went. Bon Jovi has never been good. I never expected anything worthwhile from them, so fuck it. Imagine if Winger had made it huge? But then again, why not own a piece of utterly irrelevant music history? If people are dumb enough to keep buying it, someone is sure to keep making it.
That's right. Flying. Alarm. Clock.
Because why the fuck would anyone want to actually read?
If life's come to this, why bother going on at all? Why not go to Burning Man and end it once and for all? Do people actually sit in their cubicles and plot strategic attacks on their neighbors? Just the thought of that is so depressing that I just need to end this blog right now.
Wait, I just have to show you guys this:
Who needs a personalized branding iron for their barbecue more than George W. Bush?
If you enjoy laughing, go ahead and google SkyMaul. You'll feel slightly better about life. Maybe.
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